How to Help an Alcoholic Parent: Approaches & Tips

Witnessing a loved one’s struggle with addiction can evoke feelings of fear, anxiety, and sadness, creating an emotional turmoil that disrupts the entire family and takes a significant toll on everyone’s mental and emotional health. 

Because trying to help an alcoholic parent heal is a common struggle, there are several resources available for treatment and support, not just for the addicted person but for their loved ones as well.

Why Do Seniors Drink?

Alcohol is widespread, and it’s often woven into social gatherings. Seniors may be offered glasses of wine or beer during happy hours in their retirement homes, and many families pour drinks when serving celebratory meals. Sometimes, seniors can drink in moderation. However, experts say problem drinking among seniors is increasing.

About 20% of people 60 to 64 admit to binge drinking, and 11% of people older than 65 do the same.[22] Life changes can prompt a senior to drink more. The death of a spouse, failing health, or moving to a new home can all cause loneliness, which seniors address by drinking more.[23] 

Some seniors also drink to alleviate boredom.[24] When they’re no longer able to engage in physical hobbies like gardening, or their friends and family have died and left them no one to talk with, drinking can seem like a good solution.

An adult’s drinking can pass unnoticed. Signs of intoxication (like stumbling) could be attributed to a health condition (like arthritis). And seniors who live alone may be able to hide their drinking for longer periods than those who live with others.

No matter the reason, drinking to excess is dangerous. When you see signs in an older adult, it’s wise to act.

Identifying the Signs of an Alcoholic Parent

When a parent is struggling with alcohol use disorder (AUD), adult children who no longer live with them or do not even live nearby may not immediately notice the signs. If the parent is older, people might simply assume the signs of alcohol abuse are just the signs of normal aging.

The following are signs of alcohol abuse that might indicate AUD:[1-4]

Erratic Behavior

This could show up as sudden mood swings, aggression, unpredictable actions, or just a noticeable shift in your parent’s usual choices. 

Neglected Responsibilities

Observe if your parent starts neglecting their duties, such as work, household chores, or caring for the family.

Secretive Behavior

Look for signs of hiding alcohol, sneaking drinks, or being secretive about their activities.

Physical Signs

Pay attention to physical changes like bloodshot eyes, slurred speech, an unsteady gait, or a noticeable decline in personal hygiene. 

Financial Issues

Observe if there are sudden financial difficulties, such as unpaid bills, borrowing money frequently, or selling possessions to fund alcohol consumption.

Social Isolation

If your parent begins to withdraw from social activities, distancing themselves from friends, family, and previously enjoyed hobbies, it could be a sign of AUD, particularly if you have noticed this in combination with other signs.

Increased Alcohol Consumption

If your parent’s alcohol intake increases, it can be a sign of AUD. Look for increased frequency of drinking, drinking larger quantities, or drinking early in the day. You may also notice empty alcohol bottles in the trash or bottles hidden throughout their house.

How Can a Parent’s Drinking Hurt You?

Growing up with a parent who drinks isn’t easy. Researchers say children of alcoholics describe their childhoods as unpredictable and traumatic, and many describe episodes of neglect and maltreatment.[19] These wounds may be slow to heal, and they can reverberate in your adult life.

Research suggests children who are abused and mistreated can grow into adults who abuse or mistreat their children.[20] This type of intergenerational trauma can take decades to unpack and address.

Children of alcoholics can develop high levels of resiliency, researchers say.[21] They’re often expected to take up adult roles very early in life, and they develop significant coping mechanisms to help them address their problems at home.

However, if your parent drank throughout your childhood and still drinks now, you may be weary of trying to solve the problem. You may also wonder how to help an alcoholic parent when things you tried before didn’t work. You might also struggle with feelings of being unloved, and your self-esteem may take a hit each time you see your parent drinking instead of spending time with you.

Know that you have the right to prioritize your health. If you’re struggling, talk to your doctor about your difficulties before you address how to help an alcoholic parent. When you’re feeling better, you’ll be in a stronger position to support your parent in a helpful manner.

How to Talk to Your Parent About a Drinking Problem

If you have noticed these signs in your parent, they need help, and this can be a tough conversation to have. The goal is to prompt them to seek help. The focus of the conversation should be concern and love rather than expressing judgment or inducing shame. 

Try to use “I” statements rather than an accusatory tone.[5] Stress how much you love them and how you want to help them get better. Point out examples of how alcohol has had negative effects on their life, such as causing them to withdraw from family events or any health issues that have cropped up or worsened due to drinking.

You and other family members need to show a united front and set clear boundaries to avoid enabling their behavior.[6] You could refuse to provide money for alcohol or to cover up the consequences of their drinking, such as lying about missing important appointments or events due to a hangover. 

Prepare for resistance from your parent. The initial response may be denial or minimizing the problem.[7] It often takes more than one conversation for someone to acknowledge the problem and agree to get help. 

How to Help Your Alcoholic Parent Address Their Drinking Problem

While the first conversation can often be the toughest to start, helping your parent with their drinking problem will be an ongoing effort. Here are some steps you can take to help your parent:[8-10]  

Educate Yourself

Learn more about alcohol use disorder and the effects it has on the individual who drinks as well as their friends and family. The better you understand the disorder as a whole, the better equipped you will be to answer any questions your parent has and approach the situation with empathy.

Show Your Concern & Support

Openly and honestly discuss your parent’s drinking problem with them. Emphasize your concern for their well-being and your commitment to supporting them throughout treatment and recovery.

Encourage Your Parent to Get Help

Your parent needs professional addiction treatment for AUD. They shouldn’t attempt to stop drinking on their own since alcohol withdrawal can lead to life-threatening symptoms and relapse is likely. Offer to accompany your parent to appointments and help them identify local resources like support groups for alcoholism.

Explore Treatment Options

Help your parent explore and research different treatment options for AUD. The treatment landscape can feel overwhelming, so it’s best if you can narrow the options for them. Look for evidence-based programs that offer a comprehensive approach to recovery, including aftercare support.

Set & Hold Boundaries

You may refuse financial assistance or limit time spent with grandkids until they get help.

Practice Self-Care

Seek support for your emotional health from friends, support groups, and therapy. The process of helping an alcoholic parent can be draining on many levels, and you need support and self-care to manage it.

What to Do if Your Parent Refuses Help

It’s very common for people to refuse help when they are first approached about their alcohol abuse issues. Your attempt to help your alcoholic parent may be met with denial, defensiveness, and even aggression.

It can be disheartening to have your concern and care met with this type of response, but know that it is often simply part of the long-term recovery process. Make it clear that you love and support them and that you are ready to assist when they are ready to get help.

It can be helpful to involve an interventionist. They can guide the process, assessing the situation and determining when and how often to approach your parent. They can also help you to set boundaries and manage your own self-care during this process.

An interventionist may guide you to draw a “line in the sand,” clearly defining behavior that you won’t tolerate and clear consequences. This process can be painful, such as limiting financial support to your parent, as you may feel a need to “save them,” but it can often be essential to motivating them to get help.[9]

Again, remember to prioritize your own self-care.[10] If your parent refuses treatment, there is a lot you’ll need to process. This can be challenging, and therapy can help.   

What Support Groups & Resources Are Available to Help?

There are various support groups and resources available to help individuals dealing with an alcoholic parent. It’s important to get this help, as the effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent, and continuing to deal with them in adulthood, can be substantial.[11-13] 

Here are some places you can find support:[14-18]

Al-Anon

Al-Anon Family Groups offer a safe, supportive setting for those who have loved ones with AUD. Many children of alcoholics attend these meetings, and you can give and get support here.

Adult Children of Alcoholics

This organization focuses on offering care and support to people who grew up in dysfunctional homes with alcoholic parents. In these meetings, people can begin to process and work through some of the trauma associated with this unique upbringing.

Family Therapy

Whether your parent’s alcoholism has been present your entire life or it’s an issue that has worsened in their senior years, your relationship has undoubtedly been damaged by AUD. Family therapy can be crucial to repairing some of the damage caused by addiction and other issues. Family support can be essential during early recovery, so this type of therapy is often part of comprehensive addiction treatment programs.